How People-Pleasing and Perfectionism Respond to Others’ Parts
Many of my clients come to therapy saying, “I feel anxious all the time around my boss,” or “Family gatherings leave me on edge,” or “I can’t relax in my friendships because I’m worried about letting people down.”
Often, that anxiety is coming from protective parts—most commonly the people-pleaser and the perfectionist. These parts step in to manage relationships and keep us safe from the possibility of criticism, rejection, or conflict.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand that our parts don’t exist in isolation. They’re constantly scanning and reacting to the parts of others—whether that’s a boss’s demanding part, a parent’s judgmental part, or a friend’s insecure part. The anxiety you feel in those moments is your system mobilizing to protect you.
At Work: Bosses and Authority Figures
Your parts: Anxiety often shows up first—“What if I mess this up? What if I’m not good enough?” Your people-pleaser quickly adds, “Just agree. Keep them happy.” The perfectionist doubles down: “And do it flawlessly so there’s nothing to criticize.”
Their parts: A boss’s critical or high-achieving part can activate your protectors. Even if they don’t say a word, their pressure-filled energy may spike your anxiety and set your people-pleasing/perfectionism cycle into motion.
This anxious loop can leave you overcommitting, working late, and never feeling at ease.
With Family Members
Your parts: Anxiety can feel like walking on eggshells. The people-pleaser whispers, “Keep the peace. Don’t upset anyone.” The perfectionist piles on, “If you show up perfectly, maybe you’ll finally earn approval.”
Their parts: Family members often bring out old triggers—controlling, judgmental, or needy parts. Your anxiety notices the potential for conflict or disappointment and sends your protectors in to manage it.
You may leave family events exhausted—not because you don’t love them, but because your anxious protectors were working overtime.
In Friendships
Your parts: Anxiety may sound like, “If I say no, they’ll be upset. If I don’t respond right away, they’ll think I don’t care.” The people-pleaser nudges you to say yes when you’re tired, while the perfectionist pressures you to be the “perfect friend.”
Their parts: Friends sometimes show their own insecure or lonely parts—texting repeatedly, guilt-tripping, or always needing reassurance. Your anxiety senses the risk of losing the friendship and pushes your parts into overdrive to keep the connection safe.
Instead of balance, you end up over-functioning—carrying more of the friendship than feels fair.
Why This Awareness Matters
When you see anxiety as the alarm system and people-pleasing/perfectionism as the protective response, everything makes more sense. These parts aren’t trying to sabotage you; they’re trying to protect you from real or perceived disconnection.
The challenge is that these strategies—pleasing, perfecting, over-functioning—end up fueling more anxiety, leaving you in a cycle of self-doubt and exhaustion.
Noticing whose parts you’re responding to—and how your own anxiety spikes in those moments—creates space for choice. You can ask:
Is this my anxious part predicting danger?
Which protector is stepping in right now?
What’s actually happening in the moment?
That pause is where change begins.
How Therapy Can Help with Anxiety, People-Pleasing, and Perfectionism
Therapy provides a safe place to slow down, notice your anxiety in real time, and understand how your parts are working together. In therapy, you can:
Recognize when anxiety is driving people-pleasing or perfectionism.
Understand the protective role these parts play and where they came from.
Explore how others’ parts (bosses, family, friends) interact with yours.
Learn to soothe your anxiety without defaulting to old patterns.
Practice setting boundaries and speaking from your authentic Self.
Over time, therapy helps you shift from living in anxious reaction mode to leading your system with calm, clarity, and confidence.
Therapy offers a space to step out of old, automatic roles and experiment with new ways of relating—whether that’s saying “no” at work, showing up more authentically with family, or letting friendships feel more mutual.
If you’re ready to address your perfectionism and people pleasing, I offer in-person anxiety therapy in Philadelphia and online therapy across Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Contact Me Today to learn how therapy can help you find balance and relief.
