People-Pleasing & Anxiety: Why Saying “Yes” Can Leave You Drained
Do you often find yourself saying “yes” when you want to say “no”? Do you spend hours worrying if someone is upset with you, or replaying conversations in your head to make sure you didn’t offend anyone?
This pattern — commonly called people-pleasing — can look like kindness and generosity on the outside. But on the inside, it often creates exhaustion, resentment, and, most commonly, anxiety.
Many high-achieving professionals I work with tell me they don’t understand why they feel so anxious, even when they’re “doing everything right.” Often, the root cause is that they’re constantly managing other people’s emotions while ignoring their own.
Let’s explore how people-pleasing fuels anxiety, what it looks like at work and in relationships, and how anxiety therapy can help you break free from the cycle.
What Is People-Pleasing?
At its core, people-pleasing isn’t just about being nice. It’s about:
Prioritizing others’ needs over your own to avoid conflict or rejection.
Changing your behavior so people will like or approve of you.
Struggling to say “no,” even when you’re overwhelmed.
Constantly seeking reassurance that others are happy with you.
Having rigid ideas of what it means to be a good friend, spouse, family member, employee, or coworker.
While this may seem harmless, it often comes from deeper fears of not being enough, disappointing others, or losing connection.
How People-Pleasing Fuels Anxiety
When you’re always tuned into other people’s needs, your nervous system rarely gets to rest. People-pleasing creates anxiety in a few key ways:
Hypervigilance. You’re constantly scanning for signs someone might be upset.
Overthinking. You replay conversations, emails, or meetings, worried you said the “wrong” thing.
Boundary burnout. With no room for your own needs, exhaustion sets in.
Fear of rejection. Even small conflicts can feel like major threats to your security.
Instead of building connection, people-pleasing often leaves you feeling drained, disconnected from yourself, and anxious.
Work Examples of People-Pleasing and Anxiety
Saying “yes” to every request. Taking on extra projects even when your plate is already full, because you don’t want to seem unhelpful.
Overexplaining in emails. Writing long, detailed responses to avoid being misunderstood or upsetting your boss e.g. apologizing for following up, qualifying requests with the word “just.”
Avoiding conflict. Staying quiet in meetings even when you disagree, then replaying the conversation all night with racing thoughts.
Overworking. Staying late, not mentioning prior commitments, or skipping breaks to prove your worth, all while anxiety builds in the background.
Relational Examples of People-Pleasing and Anxiety
Difficulty saying no to family or friends. Agreeing to attend events you don’t have energy for, then feeling resentful and anxious.
Constant checking-in. Texting or calling to make sure someone isn’t upset with you, even without evidence that they are.
Suppressing your needs. Avoiding expressing your preferences in a relationship to “keep the peace.”
Apologizing excessively. Saying “sorry” for things that aren’t your fault just to smooth things over.
The Root Causes of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often develops as a survival strategy. Common roots include:
Growing up in environments where love or approval felt conditional.
Learning that conflict led to punishment, withdrawal, or rejection.
Internalizing the belief that your worth depends on keeping others happy.
Cultural or family messages that equate self-sacrifice with being “good.”
Through attachment-based therapy and Internal Family Systems (IFS), we can begin to see people-pleasing as a protective part of you — one that worked hard to keep you safe in the past, but may be holding you back now.
How Anxiety Therapy Helps You Break the Cycle
In therapy, you can:
Understand the “pleaser” part of you. Instead of judging it, we explore why it’s there and how it tries to protect you.
Build healthier boundaries. Learn to say no without guilt and yes when it’s true.
Reconnect with your own needs. Practice noticing what you want and honoring it.
Reduce anxiety. As you shift from managing others’ feelings to taking care of your own, the constant hypervigilance begins to ease.
Over time, people-pleasing becomes less about survival and more about genuine, balanced connection.
Practical Steps to Start Untangling People-Pleasing
While therapy helps get to the root, you can start small shifts today:
Pause before saying yes. Ask yourself: “Do I truly want to do this, or am I afraid to disappoint?”
Practice small no’s. Start by declining low-stakes requests — it builds your tolerance. And, even if you say yes to something, it is okay to cancel or renegotiate the commitment.
Notice your body. Anxiety often shows up physically (tight chest, racing thoughts) when you override your needs.
Replace “sorry” with “thank you.” Example: instead of “Sorry I’m late,” try “Thanks for waiting.”
Final Thoughts: You Deserve More Than Anxiety
People-pleasing may have helped you feel safe growing up, but it doesn’t have to control your adult life. By understanding the root causes and practicing new patterns, you can build relationships and careers that feel balanced, authentic, and far less anxious.
If you’re ready to move past people-pleasing and find relief from anxiety, I offer in-person therapy in Philadelphia and online therapy across Pennsylvania and New Jersey.
Contact Me Today to take the first step toward feeling grounded and confident in your own voice.
